Am I A Bad Mom?

I’m always asking myself if I’m a good or bad mom? Everytime my son does something that’s really annoying, I can’t seem to control myself. The first time I spanked him, I said to myself, probably I’m just stressed with chores or it’s the result of not having enough sleep, etc...etc...
I started spanking my son a few months before he turned 3. He showed signs of what they call “the terrible three stage”. More often than not, he’s rowdy, sometimes, he can sense that I’m so mad that he will do the things I HATE but later on apologize for it with hugs and kisses. He would even say “ SORRY...I’ll NEVER do it again. “

Once, I blogged about the book my mom gave me. It’s about disciplining your child without spanking or shouting. I’ve tried few of the their techniques, but none of it seems to be working, Now, I’m still burdened with that dilema. I can’t shake some things off and just let him be. For heaven’s sake he’s only 3, but with frequent brawlings and misbehaviours, my immediate reaction would always be SPANKING.

I don’t want this affect my child in every possible way. I can still recall my classmate when I was in nursery. His mom would pinch and scold him infront of all the parents everytime he would go out the classroom and ask her the answer to our seatwork. She would often say “ Yan lang hinde mo pa alam.” (Don’t tell me you don’t know the answer to that simple question) And then my classmate would just bow down his head and tears would fall down his cheeks. It’s as if I’m watching one of the telenovelas in tv. My grandma would tell the mother to stop shouting and hitting his son. Maybe, that’s why he NEVER excelled in school. Maybe, because of the constant nagging, hurting and embarassment, his self-esteem got affected. I don’t want that to happen to my son.

Just this afternoon, we’re doing some of his workbook when I suddenly I asked him about the shape in the picture. He said, “Mama, I don’t know.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I know he knows the ANSWER he’s just PRETENDING he doesn’t know. Yesterday, he told me it was a rectangle. Why, all of a sudden he developed a SHORT TERM AMNESIA and forget these basic information. Before I can stop myself, I uttered “ I’m disappointed. You’re not serious with what we’re doing.” With a look of disappointment and frustration clearly visible on my face. I know he saw it. He was even about to cry but stopped himself.

I don’t want THIS to continue. I want to be more PATIENT and UNDERSTANDNG. Why do I have to be like a monster-mom?? I abhor punishing him for something I KNOW he unintentionally planned. Is this a sign of being a BAD MOM?

HELP!